17 Feb 2018

The Hardest Thing About Being a New Mum

So, let's delve straight into it. The thing I'm struggling with most now I'm a mum.

It's not the sleepless nights, the bouts of inconsolable crying or when my little bundle of joy decides to do an explosive poo in the middle of a shopping centre. It's not the petty arguing with the hubby about who has it harder, nor is it the worry that my baby isn't growing and developing at the rate that he should be.

Nope, it's none of the above. Those were the things I was expecting to find the hardest. The things that I had been mentally preparing myself for since pregnancy, bar the poonami (nothing can quite prepare you for that, you've just got to roll your sleeves up and get stuck in). 

No, the single most thing that I am struggling to contend with is the loss of me. The loss of my former self.

To put it simply, I'm not 100% sure who I am anymore. I mean, I know the fundamentals of 'me' but I've kinda forgotten the nitty gritty details of what make me, me. Whilst entering into motherhood I have fallen victim to identity theft. I'm no longer Kirsty Burrage: foodie, marketer, hobby-blogger and loose follower of fashion. I am now Albie's mum: caffeine dependant, chief nappy-changer, wheels on the bus enthusiast who would forget her head if it wasn't screwed on.

The lifestyle change for me was massive. I went from being a typical working millennial, looking out for number one, to caring for this tiny, helpless baby around the clock. As I blindly waded my way through the first few months of motherhood, I lost sight of everything else. With no routine, no structure and no set rules, I found adapting to my new role harder than I had ever anticipated.

Now that I'm a mum, my child's needs and wants come first. And that's how it should be. I brought him into his world and it's my duty to ensure that he grows up to be a happy, healthy, well-rounded human being.

For the most part, I love being a mum. It's an absolute privilege and something that I will never take for granted. It's rewarding, it gives me a real sense of purpose and an overwhelming feeling of pride. Honestly, a little old lady peeked into Albie's buggy the other day and said what a gorgeous, smiley son I have. Day made.

I love him more than I ever thought possible. He is my absolute world. But, and here's the issue. He's starting to become my life. He's literally taken over. I cannot mentally detach myself from him.

If I'm not tending to Albie, I'm thinking about him (when did he last feed? It looks like he's about to go into meltdown mode, is that him that I can smell?)  or talking/boring someone senseless about him. I'm well aware that not everyone cares to hear my baby drivel but it's bloody hard to talk about much else when you don't, or can't do much else, y'know.


I try to engage in normal activities and things I used to enjoy but it is hard. Sometimes (more so nowadays) I'm successful. I'm now able to watch a programme from start to finish without my brain diverting to thoughts of my offspring . I even managed to bake brownies for Valentine's Day (someone get this girl a medal).

As you can see, I'm also attempting to blog again - something I haven't contemplated for months. Ok, so I'm still waffling on about the baby but I hope that by writing my feelings, I can start to uncover a bit of the old me, underneath all the baby sick and soiled nappies. I want to continue being a good mum but I also want to feel like me again.

Here's to self re-discovery!

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